I am a 21-year-old woman who married four months ago. I have been with my husband for six years and in that time grew to love him more and more each day. At this point, I couldn't imagine my life without him. But he insists that we make love every day, and we have been doing that for years. I now regret that the passion I once had isn't there. I feel like I am doing it just for him and don't know how to approach him (it is a very sensitive situation). I don't want to hurt him and I know something like this would. He loves our sexual relationship. What should I do?
—Feeling Bad
Dear Detour L'Amour:
It takes dynamite to get me upI Need A Miracle
Too much of everything is just enough
One more thing I just got to say
I need a miracle every day.
Madam, if every man became like your husband, the market price of double 'A' batteries would collapse. Bravo.
Well, this certainly is a sticky problem. On the one hand, your husband loves having sex with you and, by custom, he's limited to glutting his lust in your loins and your loins alone. On the other, he's hiked you up the side of Boogie Mountain so many times, you don't even notice the view any more. That's sad and entirely unnecessary. Damn the Puritans and their mindless prejudice against free range whoopee. No wonder they thought they were in the hands of an angry God—screw up something as straightforward fun as sex and you better expect the inventor to be pissed.
Since Asian style sex services are probably uncomfortable to you as a solution, the next best answer is to impart a life lesson on Cyrano de Beaverschmack. Namely, "less is more." That's true in just about everything except Wax Lips. You can never get enough Wax Lips. In addition, the process of taking no for an answer will learn him a little self control and appreciation for you personal autonomy. Now, don't go abusing your autonomy by going polar on him—surely you can negotiate a reasonable access to your Treasure Palace; don't go turning it into the Holy of Holies. And when you do have to take the field, play to win so he can see the up side of giving you room to breath and/or swallow. Oh, and if he starts spending a lot of time in the bathroom now, meaning like hours at a time, don't go bothering him, ya hear?
Dear Prudie,
My extended family lives one state away from me. On my 40th wedding anniversary, a few months ago, no one phoned or sent a card. I have made several phone calls to my sisters-in-law and left messages asking them to return my call. I specifically stated that I had something important to discuss with them. No one called me back. Should I phone, write, or e-mail my sisters-in-law and ask them why they completely forgot this important date? I assumed they were smart enough to remember and didn't remind them that an important date was arriving soon. Or do I just forget this mess and forget them?
—40th Snub
Dear Snubmariner:
Apparently, you have a history of being an a-hole about this stuff so they don't even want to return your calls. Nice job tipping them off that you were going to bitch at them with the "something important." Don't you think they have you pegged by now? It's been four freaking decades, fahcrissakes.
Why not surprise them by being cool about it? How about throwing a party just for the fuck of it, invite them, and then bootstrap your anniversary celebration to it. If they don't bring gifts, who cares? Surely after forty years your husband is beyond any caring whatsoever.
This may redeem you somewhat and they might then feel more inclined to give a rat's ass about your anniversary, birthday, or wake. But don't count on it. Chances are, this path is well worn and it's going to take a lot more than one incident of being cool to get your 41st anniversary "remembered".
Dear Prudie,
I am thrilled to be expecting my first child and have just started to really show. I have been fortunate to not have experienced any morning sickness, but have developed a slightly irritable personality for the first time in my life. I can rein it in most of the time. However, I face one increasingly recurring problem that causes me to be instinctively rude almost immediately. I can't stand people, especially mere acquaintances, touching my stomach without invitation. The only person I like rubbing my belly is my sweet husband. I like people, just not having their hands all over me. I don't chop off fingers, but I do jump back and remove the offending hands and tell them not to touch. This results in aghast faces, but I think it's awful for people to assume they can touch a pregnant woman's belly at will and expect it to be welcome. As I still have months to go, I just need some suggestions on how to politely tell people that I am not the Pillsbury Doughgirl. Also, can I get a plug in here for a public service announcement letting people know that they should always ask before reaching for a pregnant belly?
—Hands Off, Please
Dear Mother Bear:
Actually, the public service announcement ought to feature the late Steve Irwin telling folks how dangerous it is to even approach a pregnant She-Beast, even in the early stages of gestation. "Back away slowly, don't run, don't look into their eyes and try to make yourself look as big as possible by waiving your hands over your head and shouting. Hopefully, they'll lose interest and go back to feeding." It is not widely known that while you can outrun a pregnant woman going uphill, you almost never can going downhill. doodahman won't touch a pregnant woman's belly unless invited. Of course, if you break water and go into labor, he won't touch you unless you train a loaded pistol on him.
Surely the baby industry must have some appallingly cutesy ass maternity clothes with an appropriate messages. Those rapacious bastards don't miss a trick. Find an outfit with a "touch and die" message that you can pass off as either a joke or deadly serious if you're groped. Even "keep your filthy hands off me and my fetus you presumptuous shit" comes off less nasty when it's printed in colorful block letters on balloons held by a smiling teddy bear. Well, less nasty than when it comes out of your spittle flecked maw in between shovels of pistachio/ mocha ice cream.
Dear Prudie,
Three years ago I met a beautiful girl. We fell deeply in love immediately. I proposed to her eight months ago, and she said yes. She repeatedly indicated that she wanted to get married and have children. We were both very happy and started planning a wedding. However, in recent weeks, I noticed that my fiancee seemed withdrawn and wouldn't respond to my inquiries as to why. Just a couple of months before our wedding date, she informed me by e-mail that "we have serious problems" and asked me to give her some space to think about our relationship. As far as I could tell, we had no problems whatsoever—we never even had so much as a single argument or fight. A few days later, she canceled the wedding without consulting me first. Her explanations ranged from "you have changed" to "it's not you, it's me." I strongly suspect it's a case of prewedding jitters and that she will eventually calm down and realize her feelings for me, but she keeps repeating that she doesn't think she can ever feel the same way about me. My heart is breaking. She insists that I give her space and leave her alone, but I don't want to lose her. She says there's nobody else in her life. How can I make sure she doesn't break up with me because of temporary wedding stress?
—Jittered Out
Dear Bridle Groom :
This reminds MTC of Charlton Heston in "Earthquake" at the end when he's got a chance to get out of the flooding sewer and shack up with Genevieve Bujould but instead gets killed trying to save his wife, Ava Gardner. Remember, this is 1974 Ava Gardner, not Sinatra-era Ava Gardner. Specifically, your fiancée reminds MTC of Heston, only in her movie, she let's you slip down the storm pipe. "Turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream…" as the Beatles say.
You have "control freak" written all over you—even your query which is, basically, "how can I force this person to be mine, mine…ALL MINE!" She keeps giving you different reasons because, fool, you won't take a hint and back off. You've already decided that it's only wedding jitters when there is no way in hell that you can be sure of that. Frankly, it's downright disrespectful to disregard the reasons she gives. That's the sign of some serious problems, alright. And what was she supposed to "consult" about? Both parties have the right, even after the freaking wedding, to call things off. That's the funny thing about personal autonomy—you'd better look it up.
The only path forward is to suck it up, accept getting screwed, and back off. If you can show that much strength and that much deference and respect for her wishes, you might be able to get something going again in the future. One thing's for sure, the more you try to demand, scheme, cajole or whatever, the sooner you'll be meeting some sheriff's with court papers that are embarrassing and which put you one phone call away from jail. This woman's just about to teach you some kind of major lesson—the question is only whether you want to learn the easy way or the hard way.
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