My Two Cents: one for the books, ed.

Dear Doodahman,

Recently, my grandmother has been ill. I am only sad as of late because she is suffering so. She was healthy as a horse a month ago, and then suddenly decided she didn't want to be of this world anymore. She said "I won't eat or drink or take my pills, and you can't make me. " and that was it. Should I feel guilty that I am happy for my grandma that she will see my grandpa again? My family respects her wishes and no one has forced her to do anything. Now she is in the final stages of death and we are all practically holding our breath until it happens. I am happy for her though, that she can get out of this sad lonely existence and be with the one she loves again. A lot of people say that I am sick and demented and that I should make her eat. They say there is no reason for her to die. I think those people are selfish, wanting me to keep her here so I can enjoy her company. I want people to be happy for and with themselves. Not to rely upon the presence of another for their happiness. I would never force anyone to do what they didn't want, even if it would kill me to lose them. What do you think?
Signed,
Grandma's Little Helper

Dear Shoo Na-Na:

First off, she did leave a signed, witnessed and notarized statement confirming she's making this decision voluntarily, without duress and coercion, didn't she? See, whenever the county carries out the emaciated, medication-deprived remains of a dependent old relative, it raises a lot of, oh, legal questions. Frankly, letting her do all the work is what's selfish. If you really want to be supportive, hand her an AARP pamphlet on seppuku and a Ginsu. Then be ready to decapitate the dear old sweet should she become confused while disemboweling herself—you know how geezers can be. Too bad grandparents aren't like cats, huh? They won't just crawl under the front porch to die.

Although you're all bravely determined to unselfishly shuffle Mima into the Void, you might want to consider the possibility that's she's merely clinically depressed—a condition easily relieved with simple medications and some therapy. Sorry, but there's no call to put the old girl down just yet. Severe, even dangerous depression often descends on the elderly following the death of their beloved spouse (or in my grandmother's case, Perry Como). Things here seem to have gotten out of hand. Actually starving oneself to death seems a tad extreme. You happily watching her starve seems downright creepy. Letting it happen to a person with whom you have a caretaker relationship seems kinda criminal. So, laudable as your laissez faire, somewhat Nietzsche-inspired attitude might be in some quarters (oh, like the Third Reich), you'll just have to pass on this opportunity to euthanize her just because she's in the dumps.

Call her doctor immediately (assuming his name isn't Kevorkian) and if necessary, get her committed until her mental condition can be assessed by professionals. If she's really serious about doing herself in, she can jump out of her psych ward window; it not only takes place outside your hands, but has the added benefit of allowing you to collect on their insurance. Oh, and you might want to reflect, briefly, on the fact that your grandmother would rather starve and die than stay with you, her loving family.

Dear Doodahman,

I have a friend who poses the following ethical dilemma: On a recent company trip, he was the victim of a theft. Personal items stolen included a sleeping bag, a tent, a backpack and a sleeping pad. The items will be replaced by his employer's insurer. My friend will make a claim for a tent and sleeping pad comparable to those that were stolen, but the backpack he had is no longer being manufactured. He's thinking of claiming for a better model of pack, as well as a more expensive sleeping bag.What are the implications of this? What do you think he should do, and why?
Signed,
Merely One Friendly Observer

Dear Scam Bag:

Some outlaw! If this claim was made by MTC's "friend" (wink wink), that backpack would have been holding jewelry, a laptop, stereo equipment, skis, snow tires …whatever kinda crap he could dig up receipts for. The bogus upgrade on the ol' backpack is so bush league, it's perfect. It would cost the insurance company more to dispute the claim than it would to pay it.

Well, the straight answer is fraud is fraud, even if the plan's foolproof. But let's examine the so-called logic behind this knee jerk goody two shoe-ism. First off, the alleged victim is a huge corporation that is itself re-insured for the loss. It's not a person—it's an impersonal behemoth that maximizes profit by any means it can get away with. You don't get down to an actual human being victimized until you hit the shareholders, who, being rich mo' fo's to start with, couldn't possibly give a flying monkey turd about the .0000004¢ this "sting" theoretically costs each of them as individuals. Would you?

Sure, the Dudley Do-rights will argue that, individuals aside, society has to pay for "your friend's" (heh heh) perfidy because the cost of fraud is built into the premium—in fact, fraud and stealing is built into the price of all goods and services. Exactly! That means that your "friends" (hah) employer, and all other purchasers of their policies, already paid the insurance company to allow you to defraud them. The bottom line is, just about everyone is ethically justified in some minor fraud in these situations because the cost of all the fraud in every transaction is passed on to them whether they commit fraud or not in the price. How is that fair? Only if you do some cheating at least once in a while. Great system, ain't it?

Dear Doodahman,
I am in a long distance relationship with a graduate student. Do you get caught up in life to the point you start pushing loved ones away? Is graduate school really this taxing? I ask because I don't know, never being a graduate student myself. I am being told that an exam is lasting two weeks. I suppose I have my doubts, obviously. There are 1000s of miles between us and we haven't talked for two weeks. This person is ill now and trying to finish this 14 day exam. I try to understand, but am having a hard time understanding why it is so taxing to just send a short note, or make a short call. Yeah I know, blow off is possible. Trust me I've thought of this. I'm trying to give this person more time to go through what they need to go through before I just throw in the towel, but I'm losing my patience because in my mind, like plants, relationships need water and I feel it doesn't take too much to pour some water on a plant.What do you think I should do?

Signed,Subject of a Lesser Degree

Dear Dis' Irritation:

Ah, if only you could get a PhD in Love like Barry White— you've earned about twelve credits in lab work with Blowoff McSmartypants and you can pay off your tuition in tears. Cue violin.

Some say "absence makes the heart grow fonder." However, the oft forgotten second line goes, "for about a semester, then forget it." Academia is a relationship centrifuge in which separations are induced by the studious application of cheap sex and free flowing booze. Or was that free flowing sex and cheap booze? No matter…the long distance thang (i.e. any distance farther than seven exits) rarely lasts. The distractions and competition on campus are simply too great for almost any relationship to endure.

Sadly, it appears that your cross-country beau already Masters in mind games. Sure, he might have been scholastically "taxed" into blowing you off, but logic argues against it. Logic says that he'd make time for you if he really wanted to, even during a 14 day medical school dissect-a-thon. Here's the formula: A. He can find time to take a crap; B. cell phones work in the john, therefore, C. he's had time to call. He just didn't. Thus, ipso facto (that's a grad school word), you're getting dumped or at best, severely blown off. Given that logical proof, there's no point in waiting to throw in the towel, washcloth, loofah or even that soap suds thingy. Give them all a hearty toss and start moving on. Oh, and don't pass this off as being hoodwinked by some evil genius. You should have anticipated this happening when he left you to go "1000s of miles away" for school. Dang, even somebody with a GED coulda seen this coming.

Dear Doodahman,

Is there any way to keep my moms dogs from barking all night?!?!?!?(That doesn't violate animal cruelty laws)
Signed,Please, Eliminate That Animal

Dear Ruff Nights:

MTC doesn't give animal training tips. doodahman can't keep even keep his cat from barking. Frankly, if MTC could silence anything, the dog would be far down the list, after most of his relatives and everyone to the political right of Neil Young. Try writing Siegfried and Roy (now known informally as Siegfried and Claude). Since you apparently don't rank alpha in the pooch-ocracy, let ma deal with her barkers. If she doesn't seem to notice the racket that the dog is making, check her hearing aid. If the hearing aid is working, check her pulse. Otherwise, only one other solution comes to mind—try moving out and getting your own place. Maybe that's what your mom got the dog for in the first place.

Dear Doodahman,

We have a "kid" who is legally an adult, but is in his last year of high school. He's always had insomnia, which medications have helped somewhat in the past, but he no longer is willing to take much in the way of medications. I, too, have insomnia, so his being up tends to wake me.He now will stay up till 2, 3, 5, in the morning. He has trouble, obviously, waking up for school and staying awake at school and at work. However, that isn't bothersome enough for him to go to bed, especially when he thinks he won't sleep, anyway.I have taken away his computer password, so he can only get on when we log him in. This means he can actually have a life at home instead of staring at the monitor all evening, but there are also TVs, video games, and books in the house to keep him occupied, unless we want to stay up all night to baby sit him.I can eliminate the videogames and TVs, but any ideas how to make going to bed a more attractive option to this kid? We live several miles from school via dangerous roads, and he doesn't drive, so letting him miss the bus isn't really an option.We've reminded him we won't be able to tell him to get up in college. I'm NOT calling long distance to wake him, even if he'd hear the phone! I want him to be able to be responsible for himself, and can't be home and awake enough to coerce him to bed so his body gets used to a schedule.

Signed,
Physically Exhausted Parent

Dear Unable to Raise Cain:

"…any ideas how to make going to bed a more attractive option to this kid?" Ahem. Let's take another approach as there might be children present. Unfortunately, it would be reckless to suggest the one thing that would probably work easiest—three bongs at bed time chased with warm brandy (bet he won't turn down that medication). You might have to subsidize his stash, and that's probably not covered by Blue Cross. If you find out different, make sure to write back, hear?

Lots of teenagers go through an "insomnia" stage, which usually stems from a common phenomenon of teenage brain chemistry: an unhinged craving to live without nagging, judgmental parents. Kinda like Children of the Corn, without the horrible acting and farm implements. At three a.m., he's got the run of the house. Weighed against such glorious solitude are no consequences of any significance, yet. As long as you treat this as a medical condition and not a self-discipline issue, it'll never change. Well, until something really bad happens. He hasn't been flunked out or fired for missing classes or sleeping at work. Hopefully it won't take him nodding into the fry vat to straighten the kid out.

Such a condition is usually cured by intense, in-house counseling which aggressively employs the screaming dad/screeching mom technique. Eventually, if he's driven by the sheer force of your bitching and screaming to get up and moving when he's supposed to, he'll have to start falling asleep early. Or die. It works for the Marine Corps. Yes, it's harsh, but raising teenagers isn't a job for weaklings. If he does manage to graduate and get into a college, forget managing his sleeping habits. You might as well try to stop him from cheating on exams and jerking off. He'll just have to major in "medieval woodcraft" or some other idiotic major so he only needs to sign up for afternoon or evening classes. Then, when he can only find work as a 7/11 night clerk, insomnia will be part of his skill set.