My Two Cents: Corporate Takeover Ed.

Dear Prudence,

Ours was a second marriage for both, 25 years ago. At the time, our children (on both sides) were grown. A few years ago, my husband's son, who had struggled to find his way, suddenly became quite successful financially. He started lavishing gifts on us, which we appreciated since we are of modest means and retired, but this caused problems with our other children. When my husband celebrated a significant birthday last year, his son threw him a party. Most of the gifts from the other children were on the order of gift cards; when he opened the card from his son, out fell a set of car keys! In the driveway was the car we had jokingly talked of buying. While my husband teared up, his daughters were visibly upset. We couldn't understand how they could a) not share in our joy, and b) choose to ruin a wonderful birthday celebration. I'm having a significant birthday in a month. I think my stepson realized a repeat performance would not be good, so rather than springing something at the family party, he delivered a new car for me now! This luxury car is worth considerably more than the car he gave his father. My stepson suggested we give our existing car to my daughter (a definite step up for her). I called her about this and she reacted horribly. We have now taken to ensuring that we're gone for the holidays, so that we don't have to deal with any scenes. How can I get the other children to realize that my stepson is just showing his love for us? We love all our children the same and don't compare gifts; we know their situations and what they are able to do for us.
—Baffled and Hurt

Dear Parental Discretion Advised:

Ah, the bizarre family dynamics that occur when everyone is living on Planet Me-- you and Pops are literally hitting the mattresses during the holidays just to avoid getting emotionally whacked in a family gang war. MTC’s familiar with “gangland-style” and “execution-style.” You guys are doing it “family-style.”

It’s correct,far as it goes, to load most of the blame on the failed kids for combining three of the Seven Deadly Sins (pride, envy and anger) into one mega-shitty attitude. There is either a cool sounding French term for this attitude (le visage merde, perhaps?) or one really long German word for it, like fủrgrossenshatzenzumliebchenenaufmachenpissen. Anyways, if you wanted to employ a blame oriented strategy, the next time the kids act up at a family gathering, tee ‘em up for being such putzem. In fact, go ahead and use that term; if it ever fit a situation, this is it.

However, blame based strategies with family members do little more than spray rocket fuel on an exploding space shuttle. Try this instead: suggest to the Golden Child that rather than ostentatiously presenting you with a hugely expensive gift from him alone, he instead brings his siblings in on the gift in the first place, each contributing what they can, so that the gift comes from all of them. Do you really need gift cards, too? Maybe the person who contributes the least cash does all the legwork—whatever it takes to replace stupid competition with cooperation. Yeah, it is kinda late to have to manipulate grown children into doing what is utterly obvious. Look at it this way—if you had been better parents, your kids wouldn’t be such head cases, so all this extra trouble is just a sort of tax put on the reward you’re finally getting for the good you did accomplish as parents. Funny how things balance out in life, ain’t it?

Dear Prudence,
I am a successful 42-year-old woman, yet I have one fear that I cannot seem to overcome. I am terrified of driving on highways, especially the L.A. freeways. My husband and I have lived in California for two years. When we first moved here, I used to go on acting auditions, but soon it became apparent that my fear of driving was going to put an end to this. Then I made some friends, but if they lived somewhere I had to access by way of the highway, I'd turn down their invitations to visit. Recently, I realized I was going to miss the entrance to the 101, so to get on it, I nearly ran a trucker off the road. He was enraged and I was traumatized. When I got home, crying and shaking, my dear husband said perhaps L.A. freeways are too dangerous for me. Should I just accept my limitations, or is this a fixable thing? I don't want to end up killing someone or myself.
—Dying To Drive

Dear Grim Jeeper:

Geez, when does the successful “woman” part come in? Apparently you’re implying that your vagina is still operational. Bully for you. Too bad that California is a state where you can’t put it to optimum use without being able to drive on a freeway. Well, being terrified of highway traffic is hardly unreasonable. It takes a healthy “denial” mechanism to feel safe on the highway when dozens of folks are horribly mangled in traffic every damn day and often while they are doing everything right. Death strikes out of nowhere, like when you’re run off the road by some freaked-out fool who missed their exit and then panicked. Ahem.

Having been nearly smashed on innumerable occasions by incompetent drivers, MTC is loathe to encourage another one do it to somebody else. MTC’s loved ones are driving out there too, fahcrissakes. Some people are just not mentally equipped to drive at all, or in fast traffic, and that’s all there is to it. Of course, tell that to some 98 year old legally blind, stroke-prone geezer hurtling along in a three ton Delta 88 with an empty gin bottle lodged under the brake pedal—then it’s a goddamn civil rights issue. The only way to “fix it” is to practice on the highway until you can function mentally and maintain control of yourself and your deadly vehicle. But in the meantime, you and everyone else are at risk. Trial and error is too costly a way to teach driving and nobody’s career is worth the risk—especially a dime-a-dozen acting career like yours. It ain’t like you need to get on the expressway because you’re driving to donate a kidney (although, the way you drive, that'll probably be the end result).

But, as MTC’s friend once told his court-ordered substance abuse counselor, “I don’t have a drinking problem. I have a driving problem.” That is, drunk or sober, stupid or not, we all have to get from point A to point B somehow. For you, that means taking the side streets everywhere. Believe it or not, that’s what everybody did until them new-fangled expressways got built less than two generations ago. What the hell do your think a “state route” (i.e., “SR 123”) is, other than a series of regular roads which connect to get you everywhere important in the whole state without touching a freeway. California is loaded with them and, frankly, given the congestion out there, state routes can’t be that much slower. Second, feel free to ride the expressway in major traffic snarls—you’ll only be going about 20 m.p.h. anyways, which is really like driving in slo’ mo’ for the rest of us but would suit you just fine. Do that long enough, and if you survive, you just might learn to function at a normal speed before you go senile.

Dear Prudence,
I have been in a pretty serious exclusive relationship with a woman for a little over three months. We have much in common, such as activities, values, sense of humor, and physical attraction. It's my first serious relationship, so much of this experience is new to me. I want to get married eventually and raise a family, and she has indicated that is her goal, as well. I've found that there are a number of differences that inevitably come up in every relationship. In our case, we are of different religions (Jewish and Catholic) and political beliefs (I'm conservative; she is so far left she's not even on the chart). These issues don't come up often in our wonderful relationship—only when we have discussions about the distant future or academic issues like communism vs. capitalism. How and when should I bring up all these issues? My friends tell me that I should just keep going with the relationship and see what happens, but I also don't want either of us to get too attached if these major issues are deal-breakers that we should discuss now.
—Worried About Deal-Breakers

Dear Comrade In Your Arms:

If you don’t believe in communism, why the hell are you planning to get married? What is marriage but somebody seizing control of your means of reproduction? Forget having private property in marriage-- even your privates become community property. Consider dumping this girl right now and placing an ad in the personals section of that magazine of right wing love monkeys, The National Review. Look at red hot lovers of the right like Morton Kondracke and Fred Barnes—two middle aged lesbians so much in love they almost lap each others’ carpeting right in front of Brit “I’m A Fugitive From The Muppet Show” Hume and 20 million Fox. “Beltway Boyz” indeed.

The problem isn’t ideological. The problem is that you are kind of a jerk. Sorry, let MTC explain—it’s not a matter of being rightwing or leftwing, but being any kind of ‘wing instead of just a real person who ought to be judged by what they do and how they act towards you and others. Your concern is that you might fall in love with person-- that is, wanting to cherish them in every possible way and build a life with them, but that you’d be bitterly unhappy if she doesn’t agree that lowering marginal tax rates stimulates job creation. Oh, that’s a deal breaker, alright, if your entire value system is about making deals. No wonder you don’t have any experience with serious relationships—that attitude is neither fair nor balanced.

Wise up before you die. Ideology and theology is just a bunch of nothing crap that can’t hold a candle to the real joys of personal human relationships. Humans come with all viewpoints and attitudes which hardly matter in daily life unless there’s a civil war going on, and heck, that’s at least four or five years off. Speaking of which, if Abe Lincoln could marry a slave owning Kentucky society belle (who looked like a horse to boot), you could, if you wanted, ignore ideological differences, too. The sooner you can look past people’s politics and focus on their goodness and humanity, the sooner you’ll experience actual, real joy instead of the solitary self-righteousness you confuse with happiness. Somehow, MTC doesn’t think that’s going to happen. So, here’s what you do: appreciate the fact that left wing chicks are far wilder in bed than conservatives (is she far enough off the chart to go for a three way with one of her anarchist lesbian friends?), screw her like crazy and then dump her when the rate of ideological depreciation exceeds the retained value of busting your nut, after first factoring in tax and estate considerations. Another reason to find a wife through H&R Block.

Dear Prudie,
I have been in a relationship for over two years and we have plans to marry. My problem is his job. He works in a sporting industry and he has given us the option to marry during only three months out of the year (June, July, or August). I've always dreamed of having a fall wedding and have tried to explain this to him, but he keeps saying he can't because of his job. How do I get him to work with me on the date of our upcoming wedding? I think this is something that can be worked out if he would just listen to me.
—No Summer Bride

Dear Bride Before The Fall:

Ain’t that the truth? Everything would work out for doodahman if everybody listened to him and did what he wanted. Damn bastards, with their own selfish ideas, needs and desires, have screwed up the whole planet beyond redemption. We’ll just have to wait until we go to Heaven to be happy, where everyone, including God, will work it out whatever way we want. Be hopeful-- Jesus said that Heaven was just like a wedding—though it had better be a fall wedding, or God’s ass is grass as far as you’re concerned.

Sure, you could play a sort of “wedding chicken” where you both stick to your guns until somebody either gives in or calls off the wedding. That might show him who’s boss, but the taste of victory will be but bitter ash in your mouth if you have to go back to Match.com with a revised ad seeking, “single, marriage-minded man with a flex time job and no balls.” All you’re doing is providing motivation for your fiancé to save himself from a life devoted to satisfying your every whimsy. Who, incidentally, do you think he’s going to take it out on if he catches shit from his job over missing work when he’s got three whole months to schedule a wedding with no conflict? Better get a dog to take those kicks.

Otherwise, you could be a little considerate and respect his very logical and substantial reason for a summer wedding. Surely you realize that his job is not a problem but is, rather, the source of dough that will support the family with luxuries like food and shelter. His job also has a lot to do with his sense of identity and self esteem— if they cut him down to size at work, you end up with a stumpy pygmy of a husband. Can’t you find a fiancé who’s already a stumpy pygmy without having to turn him into one? Get real-- is summertime a horrible time of the year to get married? Granted, nobody wants to get hanged on a warm, sunny day, but, that aside, hell no! So suck it up and give in. You can then refer to this one single time you gave in at the beginning of your marriage to run his hen-pecked ass ragged the rest of your married life. Think of what a truly glorious victory that will be.