My Two Cents: Estrogenetics ed.

Dear Prudence :
I've been married for a little over a year. I met my husband several years ago when we were neighbors; he was married at the time and had a young son. He moved away, got divorced, and I didn't see him for several years. Then we reconnected, dated, and got married very quickly. His son is now 10 and I'm having a really hard time getting to like the boy. This might sound mean, but I can't stand him sometimes. I know he's a child, and that he gets his bad manners from his psycho mother, but everything about him just grosses me out: the way he eats; the way his mother dresses him (like a little rapper); that he's too lazy to even clean his room. I try so hard to hide my feelings, but my husband senses it sometimes. I take his son to buy school clothes or toys, but he can't behave and it's driving me insane. I really don't know what to do, especially now that we have him every weekend. I asked my husband if he can give me "me" time at least once a month, but his excuse is that he hates leaving his son with his ex-wife. I really can't take sharing my husband with his son. What should I do?

—Can't Stand Him!

Dear Step Mommie Dearest:

Oh, foolish, foolish woman. To an objective observer, he sounds like a typical 10 year old. You, however, sound like his 8 year old step-sister. Did you actually write that he “grosses you out”? Dang. Are you sure you’re old enough to get married? MTC suspects this letter was scrawled on construction paper with crayon and post marked from the Ozarks.

Here’s some tips: kids don’t clean their rooms mostly unless you nag them; they dress the way their friends do, get used to it; they eat like animals and generally lack manners of all kinds, that’s why they have freaking parents. DUH. That goes double for kids in broken homes with add-on parents of varying caliber (you being ranked somewhere between Cinderella’s step-mom and Joan Crawford). If you think that he’s a pain at 10, just wait until he’s 15 and understands exactly what an a-hole you’ve been. You’re in for a hell reserved for the most heinous of fiends (one far below the one reserved for spineless parents)and deservedly so. No fairy godmother for you, dingle berry.

As for what to do, that’s really for your husband. Some brat needs a butt whippin’ and it ain’t the 10-year old. MTC hopes two things. One, you grow up and realize what responsibility you have to be a friend to that child for the kid's sake; and two, you’re good looking enough to make up for being such a wretched pain in the ass, for his father's sake.

Dear Prudie,
Every time I go out with a young lady in my social group at a setting where there are young men, she insists on dominating the attention of any man in the room, even if I have already shown interest in a specific one and she has been warned by others not to engage that person. To put it bluntly, she likes to steal guys from me specifically and from others. She has even gone so far as to flirt with my ex-boyfriend, who told me how uncomfortable it made him. She's very petite and thin, and young men love to have her attention. I love the group of friends she's part of and I hate missing out on events with them because she's there. The most infuriating part of this whole situation is that she doesn't have any intention of pursuing a relationship with these men, ignoring them once the evening ends. Though others acknowledge her behavior, they make excuses, saying she is so nice and outgoing and doesn't realize what she's doing or have any negative intentions. She is a recovering bulimic, and I believe that her actions have something to do with her own body image. When confronted, she plays dumb. Do I continue to act as though I have no issues with her just to keep the peace in our group of friends?

—Slighted

Dear Peppermint Petty:

Recovering bulimic, you say? Recovering bulimics have extraordinary control over their gag reflex-- an advantage you’ll have to overcome with practice. Lots of practice.

Let’s start with a reality check. If confrontations, bitching to mutual friends and having her warned is “acting like you have no issues”, DAYUM. Seriously, take it down a notch or two. First off, she isn’t stealing men. The rule is, after middle school, a man can’t be “stolen” from you until there’s expensive jewelry or a baby involved—and even then, watch out. Heck, for the post-divorce crowd, you have to at least be engaged and getting a kidney transplant from someone before they’re off limits.

Besides, you’re looking at this all wrong. You ought to love hanging out with girls like her because men are all over them like white on rice. Unless this girl is a straight up sex fiend (now that would be a rotten shame, wouldn’t it?), she can’t satisfy them all. For all but one or two lucky men a night, she is the shrimp cocktail to your filet of swordfish. No real man gets filled up on shrimp cocktail—it just sets his mouth to watering for the main course. If you partied with someone like her, it’d be surf n’ turf every weekend. So stop being jealous and petty, and start playing the game smart. Besides, if the men around get the idea that you’re running interference between them and their dreams of doing this little firecracker, you’d best leave town before a mob forms.

Dear Prudence,
I am a fifty-something divorcee with a teenage daughter. I have been divorced for several years, had no interest in men, afraid of being hurt again, and have been celibate since my divorce. I look great. Even strangers tell me that I look like I'm in my 30s. I recently took a teaching job in a new school. When I started the school year, I met the only male teacher in the school. I'm sure he's younger, but I am very attracted to him and it's daunting. I don't know what to say or to do. We teach together every day in a classroom. He treats me in a strictly professional way at all times, as I do him, but I would like to get to know him, though I don't have any idea how to do this without feeling vulnerable and/or getting slapped with a sexual harassment suit. In fact, he doesn't even seem to notice me, although we work very closely. How should I proceed?

—Confused Teacher

Dear Hell-oooo Mr. Chips!:

Here’s the thing: doodahman only ponders how to snag a man while writing MTC, as his personal interests lie elsewhere, gender-wise. Your daughter thinks about man-snagging 24/7. Consequently, with regard to tactics, MTC’s advice will be lame compared to hers. As for the “sexual harassment” excuse, forget it. Since he’s the only male teacher in the whole school, he’s counting on some sexual harassment to make up for the low pay and inability to get a word in edgewise. Unless he’s gay, that is. That would explain quite a bit. To test this hypothesis, look for the key signs: firemen calendars, Cher memorabilia, and a fondness for show tunes.

Man-snagging stratagems aside, you can’t expect to never get hurt when you fall for somebody. Being vulnerable and getting hurt is how this all works—love comes through trial by fire. It’s worse after you manage to get something going, because getting dumped sucks a lot more than being rejected initially—leastwise, that’s when all the gunfire seem to happen. But that’s how it goes— no blood ‘n’ guts, no lovey-dovey. Besides, you should be shedding your nun-like habits for the long run, not because you met one dreamy dude who’s probably a knob-bobber anyways. This crush is just your primitive mammalian brain kick-starting your boogie juices.

If you decide to get back into the game, there’s a few things to keep in mind. Ideally, it’s nice to have multiple fish on the line at one time; if one wiggles loose, it takes less time to get the next one in the pan. Some folks can’t do that, so they have a rougher time with the inevitable dumping process. Second, don’t worry about finding potential love monkeys. An attractive, mature teacher who’s into “strict professionalism” is definitely major league hard-on material. Just ask one of your daughter’s boyfriends while wearing only a towel-- but make sure you stand back a bit.

Dear Prudie,
My friends and I have an unusual situation that we're not sure how to handle. One of the girls in our group of friends has started drawing her eyebrows on in a very obvious manner. She draws with eyebrow pencil two perfect (rather large) boxes at the beginning of each brow, making her eyebrows look like commas. These have the effect of making her look perpetually surprised. Everyone notices, but we are unsure how to approach something like this. We're afraid that if we don't say something, a patient (we are medical students) may and that could be embarrassing. Normally in my group of friends we point out potentially embarrassing things, like food in teeth, smudged mascara, but the eyebrows took us by surprise and now we aren't sure what to do. Any suggestions for how to point this out to her? Group intervention or one-on-one? Is it even our place to say anything?

—Concerned Friend

Dear Brow Beater:

The pencil-brow is truly an abomination, on par with the comb-over and women who like having a mustache. At least the widely disparaged uni-brow is an act of God, not man. Sadly, pencil brows are common on folks who refer to their location as “these parts.” Pencil brows are usually found on women with really frizzy hair and turkey necks, for reasons of genetics not yet understood by science. doodahman’s frizzy haired, turkey necked ex mother-in-law added to the ambience by coloring her eyelids (and the three inch space between them and her pencil brows) with a shade of blue-gray eye shadow not normally seen outside a morgue photo or Barnum & Bailey. The overall impact was downright clownifying, especially when she got mad and her nose turned beet red.

Hippocratic oaths notwithstanding, confronting her is a highly delicate matter. It’s not like a blob of spinach ‘tween the teeth or a renegade booger clinging to the nostril— the pencil brow is an intentional self mutilation. Unlike clitoral circumcision and back alley breast enlargements, it's a mutilation that is still legal. This may change now that Nancy Pelosi is Speaker of the House and fashion leapfrogs to the top of the legislative agenda—but that’s still a ways off.

One-on-ones are always uncomfortable and might backfire. Group interventions work for addicts, but they are inherently accusatory and way over the top for a pencil brow condition. That would make sense only if you could blame her brow on her drinking. Taking a page from Jenny Jones (no, don’t shoot her), there is a way to help without embarrassing her. Embarrassment comes from being singled out. You can avoid singling her out by hosting a group makeover party where everybody has to have something changed by majority vote. Vote her some decent eyebrows without putting her on the spot.

Later, as women of medical science, you serve mankind by unraveling the connection between pencil brows, frizzy hair and turkey necks, ending that scourge for all time. Okay, it's not like curing AIDS, but it would literally change the face of rural America.