My Two Cents: Wee Willy Winky ed.

Dear Prudence:

I have a new boyfriend who is generous, fun, kind, gentle, and very loving. We rekindled after several years apart and didn't break up badly the first time. I like him and I could possibly see a life with him. The problem is that he isn't well-endowed; well below average, in fact. I knew this before we rekindled, but thought I could look past it. I'm not a size queen, but I really would like to enjoy a fuller sex life, so to speak. I would never mention this to him, because I would never want to hurt his feelings. I realize this is not the most important part of life, but I really want to have a satisfying sex life along with everything else. Any suggestions on how to get over this issue?

—Coming Up Short

Dear Short Change?:

Scientifically speaking, the issue is stated:

How may one achieve an “adequate sex life” without resort to a human schlong meeting minimal specs of at least 4″ long and 4″ circumference (or, a net 64.4 cubic inches)?

This, sir or madam, is where the rubber meets the… road. First, realize that millions of folks enjoy long, satisfying sex their entire lives without ever even touching somebody’s penis. They are called “straight men” and “lesbians.” Adapting their pleasuring techniques will give you two all sorts of ways to get over the hump, as it were.

Remember that your partner’s penis constitutes only one small tool in the ol’ sexual tool box. Er, let’s find a better analogy… Sex is like a team sport, and a person’s body is like a team, with each member filling a specialized niche. Ahem. As with baseball, no single member of the team is responsible for winning or losing games—not even somebody critical as, say, the short reliever. A good manager wins by milking production out of his entire rooster, uh...roster. Your friend has a tongue, ten fingers, and a brain taking the field that, if used properly, will make you forget that his short reliever can’t close. Expect to win more if his team runs the bases better, turns more double plays, and bunts consistently. They call it “small ball.”

Ultimately, he’ll have to re-arrange the line-up, perhaps moving his fingers to lead off and his tongue into the clean-up spot. As a short term improvement while your friend masters the new play book, he can convert the short reliever into a linebacker and use him to penetrate your backfield. As a linebacker, you can instill confidence in him by focusing on his sacks. Sorry to mix metaphors, but dang, MTC’s kid reads this.

Even with all that, you might come up short. Seems that some folks just need a big old johnson jammed up their chute in order to get to that certain magical space. If that’s you, then you are a size queen. There’s no shame in it since nobody decides what turns them on as much as they discover it through trial and error-- this dude looking more like an "error."

If his Little Red Riding Hood still can't fill the basket with enough goodies to please Grandma ("What a big basket you have, grandma!"), that's all there is to it.You'll either have to find someone else, someone "too", or invest in prosthetic devices. Don't expect MTC to provide any links. If you are too cheap to buy proper materials, visit your local produce department and always wash your vegetables.

Prudence,

My wife and I taught at a high school in the Southwest for three years. It has been a year and half since we last worked there and we still occasionally receive e-mails from students. A few days ago, we received one that contained a link to a MySpace-like Web site. One of the pictures on her page showed two other students, one holding what looks like an AK-47 and one pointing a handgun at the camera. The school we taught at had trouble in the past with guns (one student brought a loaded gun to my class and later killed himself) and gangs. My thought was to e-mail the superintendent the link to the Web site. Do I have any legal obligations to report this, and if so, to whom? I would like to know what I need to do legally to stay on the right side of the law.

—Concerned Teacher

Dear Pre-emptive Teacher’s Strike:

First off, don’t ever ask legal questions like that except to an actual lawyer who knows the laws in your state, or, if applicable, states. “doodahman said I could” ain’t a valid legal defense any place against any thing. Surely you would tell somebody if you thought this was a serious threat, regardless of the litigation angle, right? No? “Gosh, I knew those kids would go on a murdering rampage, but who needs the hassle of a lawsuit?” Dang.

Well, Batman, have no fear. MySpace and their ilk are public documents which have no privacy protections. You can’t get sued for pointing out a publicly accessible website to the authorities. Hell, the authorities like nothing better than busting folks on suspicion of conspiracy to commit something. It gives them a reason to put on cammies and terrorize folks with loudspeakers, strobes, chemical agents and, agency budgets permitting, napalm-spewing tanks. There is no weapon or firepower that the authorities will not use in order to stop violence and keep the peace. Just ask David Koresh.

Oh wait, you can’t.




Hysterics aside, a picture of a kid with a gun is not the same as a picture of a kid with an adult’s yoohoo up his keester. The latter is a crime in an of itself; the former is not without further indication of criminal intent. At least send the student a WTF note. If her answer raises more concerns, you’ll still have an opportunity to report.

You don’t want to end up looking like the hysterical fanatics we all looked like after invading a country over weapons that apparently weren’t even there. Just ask 30,000-600,000 or so Iraqi men, women and kids.

Oh wait, you can’t.

Dear Prudence,

My 18-month-old daughter has mild cerebral palsy, and while I would change nothing about her, I am loath to make this news public. She does not walk yet, but she is just starting to crawl. We don't want advice or special attention, as this is a big enough hurdle. While we believe in explaining her situation to family, we see no reason to make it a public issue when it truly is so mild and when we have been so blessed just to have her. She is a smart child with a brain issue that causes her to have physical impairment. What she is capable of, no one knows yet—but her neurologist believes she will turn out to just be a "clumsy kid" who has to work a little harder. We attend church and only one or two families are aware of the label of her condition, and I just don't know what to tell the rest. How long can we call our daughter a delayed walker? We appreciate the concern, but we don't want the special prize that goes with the label.

—Label Me With Love.

Dear Mongoloid Beef:

Stop worrying about what goes on in other people’s heads. First you worry about what people will think if you tell them she has CP and then you worry what about what they’ll think if you say nothing. Whose business is it to begin with? Her doctors, you, and maybe the schools’ and government’s if they are willing to provide some services or other assistance on that basis. Other than that, labels have no meaning at all and you don’t owe anybody any explanations.

True, you will encounter a doofus who just has to ask why the child isn’t doing this or that. Just say, “she’ll do [this or that] whenever she’s ready” and leave it at that. That’s as correct and complete an answer as there is.

This is only an issue because you are way too defensive. You worry that because she's so "border-line" people might assume she's "retarded"-- which is sort of an ungracious attitude for a person whose child is also disabled. Labeling her CP also takes you off the hook by laying it on an unfortunate turn of genetics, not being a crackhead when you were pregnant. That’s kinda ugly, since the logical solution is to make her wear a button that says, “Don’t Blame My Parents It’s Cerebral Palsy.” You’re not alone—it happens to the high and mighty, too.


Well, that’s an understandable reaction; it must be very hard to sort out your feelings that are naturally conflicted when your child suffers from a disability. Of course you’re happy with her and consider her an blessing and, of course you’re sad that she may have to overcome some disability. That’s normal and it goes without saying. It’s the parents of kids who are developmentally advanced but who behave like idiots that need to answer some questions.

Dear Prudence,

I am a 25-year-old woman who's been in a relationship with a man for about six years. He is halfway through graduate school and I have just started law school. I have always provided unconditional support and encouragement in his career choices. I have even sacrificed my own emotional needs at times. Lately there has been a lot of friction when I make decisions based upon my school responsibilities. Now that I am under similar pressures, he is unwilling to recognize the importance of my studies. He is financially supportive, but is still putting his needs and career goals first. How do I make him see that my career is just as important as his? Furthermore, how do I request the same support I have given him over the years?

—I Count Too

Dear No Merry Maison:

Man, you are going to make one hell of an advocate if you have to ask an advice columnist how to protect even your own interests. “Dear Prudence: what should I do when another attorney won’t convince his client to give my client the money we think he’s entitled to?” In which case, your SO may have a point—focus on his career because yours doesn’t look so promising.

Here’s why MTC can’t help much: doodahman has never figured out how to make women do something they didn’t want to do just because he wanted it. Not one thing, not ever. The days are long gone when a man could make his wife do whatever he wanted, beat her senseless in the process and then brag about it at church. These days, men have to use persuasion, employing techniques that women, having previously been on the subservient side of the equation, have long mastered. Except you, apparently. Geesh, if you can’t even figure out how to be a woman, how do you expect to figure out how to be a lawyer?

Persuasion comes in three forms: inducements, threats, and propaganda. Inducements are best because they can lead to the classic “win-win” scenario—he lets you stay out late all week to make the study group if you shave your pubes and wear that Vampyra get up to bed. This requires negotiation skills and a willingness to give in order to get.

Threats are useful only in dire situations where you really can’t back down. That’s a “win/lose” scenario and the fewer times you resort to that tactic, the better for all concerned.

Finally, propaganda. You can try to convince him that he really wants to do whatever it is that you want, even if he didn’t think so at first. This is the hardest one of all, and requires an agile mind, keen insight to human nature, and an ability to lie to someone’s face without a hint of remorse. In other words, you have to be a good lawyer.