My Two Cents: Odd Couples, ed.

DEAR MARGO:
I have been married for 18 years. Around year 10, my husband started going to nudist beaches and clubs. The beaches were not too bad because he only did it when he was out of state, but now he goes to a club that's only an hour away.
I trust him and know it is not sexual, but it's embarrassing to me. I also don't like that he tells everyone he knows that he does this. The way I was raised, you were naked when you took a bath, or when you were married and in bed. I just don't understand why swimming, camping and other activities -- which he never enjoyed before -- seem like fun to him when he is naked.

I know he could be doing really awful things other than this, but isn't anything that causes stress in a marriage a bad thing? We also have two children, and I don't want them to think it's appropriate to be seen naked because I fear that a predator will take advantage of them.

I do not let him take the kids to these clubs, but they are 10 and 13, so they're aware of Daddy's hobby. I cannot just tell him to stop, because he would not stop and we would fight. I know this from experience.

Here's my question: Is being naked in public normal, or just a way of being a Peeping Tom and also being peeped at? I think it's the latter.

--- NOT NAKED AND FINE THAT WAY

Dear Nudely Wed:

Oh, yes, they call him the Streak
He likes to show off his physique
If there's an audience to be found
He'll be streakin' around
Invitin' public critique

R. Stevens, The Streak

Simple nudism, as opposed to aggravated ‘nad flashing, comes in at an ironically modest 1.8 out of 10 on the ol’ Creep-0-Meter, (10 being OJ territory). Even nude clubbing is more of a peccadillo than a fetish. Certainly the Europeans don’t seem to view public nudity as weird, though the Euro-Creep-0-Meter works on an entirely different scale (thanks to the Dutch, those weirdos). Lots of otherwise normally functioning folks strut their stuff in the buff, so maybe you ought to just get over it.

As for the Peeper/Peepee angle, get serious-- there’s sure to be some of that going on. If men and women are breathing, they’re checking each other out. Whether they’re wearing clothes hardly enters into it. Frankly, for people over age 40, broad daylight nudity probably prevents more monkey business than it stimulates.

What’s the attraction if not le hanky panky? MTC had one quasi-public nudism experience at venerable Black’s Beach near San Diego. Truth be told, there is a certain exhilaration that comes from salty ocean breezes and golden rays of sunshine caressing one’s nethers. But it isn’t sexual—more like a nostalgia for the ‘terrible two’s’. The reality of those nude beaches is that whatever stiffening resolve one might acquire watching women play volleyball naked is more than blotted out by the single glimpse of an 85 year old scaly-ass hippie riding a Schwinn (with a banana seat no less) holding up both his beard and his nutsack so they won’t get tangled in the chain. Yikes.

Ain’t it interesting, though, that of all the peccadilloes your husband could acquire, it happened to be one specifically designed to twist your woolen covered titties something fierce. He’s striking a mighty, if largely passive aggressive, blow against your Puritans Gone Wild attitude. Lucky for you, he’s only hanging out with nudists. He might have rebelled with a full blown fetish. Those can cost real money and involve him with folks scoring in the upper “5’s” on the Creep-0-Meter, like the spanking crowd (i.e., Sorority of the Crimson Moon).

Although, come to think of it, that’s a hobby that’s probably right up your alley.

DEAR MARGO:

As the mother of a 15-year-old girl who has already battled an eating disorder, I am at a loss as to what to do or say about her so-called "role models," many of whom are models. My daughter reads the fashion magazines as though they were bibles for living.

What are your thoughts on this subject, and do you have any suggestions about how I might be able to redirect her interests? She is a very good student, but is all caught up in the idea of modeling, not my idea of a particularly worthwhile calling.

--- NANCY

Dear No Moss, por favor:

Mamma, don't let your babies grow up to be fashion models. Having rented Gia too many times, worry-warting is causing you to miss the larger point. As long as her dream isn’t to sign up with Ansar Al Islam and score seventy virgins the hard way, don’t worry about the specifics.

What’s important for any 15 year old is to learn how to follow a dream, period. Modeling is a tough business and it’s got its dangers, but so does pursuing every other dream career, including athletics, politics and high level drug trafficking.

Following dreams is a process. The earlier she goes through the process (from conception, through the work and sacrifice stages, to ultimate failure and reconfiguring a more realistic dream), the more likely that she will acquire perseverance as a character quality. Then she'll achieve something worthwhile. It might not be top flight modeling. It might only be trophy spousing or porn stardom. It will be an achieved dream, nonetheless.

But if you crush her first little dream now because of your fears, she might never learn that process. You're taking chances with her self esteem, self esteem seems to have been a major issue with her. She’s going to need plenty of self esteem for whatever goal she sets. Operating on the basis of fear, particularly fear of failure is a really rotten principle to instill in a kid.

Don’t freak. Chances are her dreams of modeling will go unrealized before she ends up on a slab or in the mad house. If you’re worried about rekindling eating disorders, focus on that behavior, not her goal setting. Besides, heroin addiction is all the rage among models, not eating disorders. Geez. Lighten up.

DEAR MARGO:

Four years ago, I divorced "Ken" when he admitted that he had molested a daughter from his previous marriage. His problems with clinical depression, porn addiction, chronic lying and so on did not seem religiously acceptable reasons for divorcing. The molestation was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Ken and I had a 2-year-old son, "Johnny," at that time. Ken was never an attentive father and, in fact, several times Johnny ended up in the emergency room due to Ken's inattentiveness and neglect. I had talked with counselors, clergymen, even child protective services because of the "accidents," but they all told me to stick it out with Ken and get counseling. After I found out about the sexual abuse, I felt I had to leave Ken to protect Johnny.

Fortunately, Ken has moved to the Orient and contacts Johnny once or twice a year. My problem is that Johnny, now 6, is asking questions about why I divorced Ken. I can only assume this is because of some things he's seen on television lately, and the fact that my new husband and I recently celebrated our anniversary with much family discussion about love and relationships. (My new husband is a wonderful stepfather to Johnny, thank God.)

Johnny is persistent in his questioning and even goes so far as to say, "I want to know all the reasons you and Daddy divorced." I don't want to lie to Johnny, nor do I want to cause him unnecessary pain thinking that his heritage is from a pedophile. What can or should I tell him?
--- CONCERNED MOM

Dear Mom’s the Word:

Moved to the Orient did he? Out Thailand way, perhaps? Geesh.

Four years is plenty ‘nuff time to stop wearing your victimhood on your sleeve. Eventually, you made a good call, and things seem to have worked out just peachy for you and the child. Don't blame yourself-- those clinically depressed, dissembling serial masturbators can be so wickedly charming.

Yet, the first four paragraphs of your letter are about justifying a four year old divorce. Nobody needs to hear about your sordid and perverse marital baggage. doodahman and his readers might get a giggle over it, but need to hear it? Nope. This is a lot truer for a six year old kid. Forget about the molestation—even the tidbits about the porn, the lying and the depression are way too heavy to lay on a child. Hello.

The “I don’t want to lie to my six year old” canard is ridiculous. Parents avoid disturbing and complicated topics when explaining things to kids all the time. Oh, but not you--"Santa is a fraud I tells ya!" It’s not like a six year old is going to be suspicious if you leave out any reference to pedophilia, fahcrissakes. “Johnny” (if that IS his real name) is not going to interrogate you until you break. Just tell him what most six year olds hear: daddy and step-daddy couldn’t be happy sharing mommy, so daddy had to go.

Oh, and if none of the above rationales moves you to keep mum, consider the fact that once you start flinging the mud, your ex is going to fling it right back. Sure, maybe you think you were beyond reproach and there are no skeletons in your closet. That's not going to stop a a chronic liar from telling the lad about your earlier predilection for amorous liaisons with barnyard critters of the four legged variety, is it?

DEAR MARGO:

My wife just lectured me about perusing the contents of her purse when it was lying on the kitchen table. She was offended that I'd peek inside it. However, she has not had the same feeling for my privacy. She thinks nothing of examining the History contents of the computer. Am I missing something here, or does she have a double standard?

--- DAVID

Dear Spy vs. Spy:

Sounds like Old Man Beatoffski has a chip on his shoulder after getting busted for accessing some PC erotica while the missus was at bridge. Well, sir, if you were fastidiousness enough to use a protective plastic keyboard cover to keep the keys from sticking, she might never have thought to look. Never ride a keyboard bareback, my man.

This is exactly why marriage sucks for most folks. In theory, married folks share everything—there can be no secrets in a happy marriage. A married couple is supposed to be a single entity, two lives utterly entwined. Uh huh, riiiiiiiiiiiiight. In reality, marriage is two people who, a good portion of the time, desperately want to do something their spouse doesn’t like.

It’s a pattern we learn while keeping things from our parents. For instance, you, apparently, like masturbating to digital pictures of Scandinavian women playing Naked Twister. Your wife likes to spend your 401K to buy Precious Moments. Neither of you wants to cut the other any slack, so you generate this bullshit privacy issue. Forget it.

You can bicker endlessly about who’s invading space, or you can come to the simple realization that if you have to hide things from each other, married life will suck. Either you agree to accept whatever the other one does, or you agree to stop doing whatever you get in trouble for. If need be, negotiate a solution using both options on a case by case basis. The short term pain of having to trade off high credit card costs for a little jerk off time will pale in comparison to the lifetime of bullshit you have in store from hiding shit from each other.

To illustrate: years ago, doodahman scored some woman’s phone number while getting plastered in a Mexican night club. The next morning, while he was passed out, Mrs. doodahman snooped through his wallet and threw the number away. That caused the weirdest damn fight in eleven years of marriage. They were both mad as hell, but neither could say what it was they were mad about because doodahman never should have gotten the number and Mrs. doodahman wasn’t supposed to rifle his wallet. Because nobody would say what they knew, the fight lasted for about two and a half weeks. Ain’t marriage grand?