My Two Cents: Southern Discomfort, ed.

DEAR ABBY:
About six months ago, my husband and I asked my 19-year-old cousin, "Danny," to live with us. He had hit a rough spot in his life, and had been doing drugs, drinking and feeling suicidal. Since living with us, Danny no longer has these feelings and is no longer drinking or doing drugs. We are trying to help him find his direction in life. Recently, my grandmother, who adopted Danny when he was 10 after his mother died, went to my mother's house where my husband and I were visiting for the weekend, and began yelling at us.

First she accused us of not loving Danny and claimed we are trying to ruin his life. Then it escalated, and she was screaming at us because we didn't ask her permission before inviting Danny to come live with us. (He was already out of her house and living with my uncle at the time.) She also claimed Danny was "better off doing drugs and drinking" and being "home" than he is with us because she wasn't "mean" to him like we are!

Feelings were hurt and a lot of tears were shed. When we told Danny what happened, he was confused and asked: "Where did all this come from? You aren't bad people. I'm much happier here than anywhere else." Abby, where do you think all my grandmother's hostility and anger came from? It's the first time I've ever had a confrontation with her.
-- CONFUSED IN WISCONSIN

Dear Grandma’s Addict:

"Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling…"

Man, there’s “empty nest syndrome” and then there’s “bat shit crazy old crone syndrome.” Too bad. That kid’s going to have enough trouble laying off the pipe without being fought over like a gnu leg in a cave full of hyenas. She’s acting like you’d expect his dealer to act. What was the kid getting high on? Lipitor/Plavix speedballs? Keeping these two apart is the best way to avoid a Sid and Nana climax down the road (“But where are the goodbye drugs, Grandma?”)

Emotional outbursts happen in families all the time and the craziest shit gets said before anyone knows what’s coming out of their mouths. “Where it comes from” is probably your grandmother’s fear that she’s going to be abandoned in her dotage—a dotage seemingly in rapid onset. Or, it could also be that she came across his stash and mistook the meth for Splenda. (“Mercy, that’s some damned perky sassafras tea!”)

Eventually, she’ll come to regret her Mel Gibson moment (we’re all going to have at least one someday) and accept the situation for the good of all. Your cousin should visit regularly to show that she isn’t going to be abandoned. It also wouldn’t hurt if the rest of you made an effort, too. A couple of weeks acting the ass don’t negate a lifetime of hauling your freight.

DEAR ABBY:

There's a boy in my class I have known since I was 2. He's a great athlete, but is a tad bit full of himself. He is always playing mean pranks on me and hitting me up for money, and if I don't give him money he hits me. I ask him to stop, but he still does it. Abby, what do you think I should do?
-- 11 AND FRUSTRATED

Dear Sock Muppet:

You wanna know how you do it? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way…

The Untouchables, 1987

Bully stealing your lunch money, eh? Uh huh. Child, turn to the person who wrote the term “a tad bit full of himself” into your letter and ask them what “klee-shay” means.

MTC is guessing you’re a girl because everybody knows what a boy’s supposed to do when somebody jacks their money—hit back, fahcrissakes. Now, if MTC’s wrong and you are a boy, listen up: don’t ever tell anyone that you wrote to “Dear Abby” about this problem. Never. Trust the dood on this and we’ll just keep it between us. If you are a girl, hell, you can probably take him, and, in case you can’t, girls can use pepper spray. Just remember, you don’t have to beat him up, you just have to make yourself more trouble to rob than the next wimpy kid with lunch money.

Besides, it’s better that you learn to handle these types when it’s only lunch money and a sock in the arm at stake. Boys like that grow up to become derelicts that drink up their paychecks and bounce Old Grandad™ bottles off their wives’ skulls. Learn to recognize the signs now so you don’t marry one and get in some live fire exercises with the pepper spray in case you do.

This is what’s bugging MTC: Who still uses money for lunch? Doesn’t your school use those plastic cafeteria account cards? * They should have already indoctrinated you kids into the Digital Consciousness. By the time you hit high-school, they’ll scan your fingerprint to pay for lunch. When you have your own kids, they’ll have Radio Frequency ID tags implanted in their bodies that will not only pay for lunch, but also tell the cafeteria cyborgs exactly what medications to mix into their soy-lent nutrition drip. Yes, bullies are going to be hard pressed to find a niche in the mid-twenty-first century.
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* Or is this some 10 year old re-tread letter Abby, Jr. pulled up from the vault so she could take that Veteran’s Day weekend cruise to fabulous Puerto Villarta?

DEAR ABBY:

I am a newly single young woman just coming out of a marriage. I was recently dining alone in a local restaurant when I was sent a drink from a patron at the bar. This had never happened to me before. Although I was flattered, I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation. I wasn't interested in the gentleman sending the drink, and thus felt bad about accepting his kind gesture. What is the proper thing to do and say in this situation?

-- NEWLY SINGLE IN THE SOUTH

Dear Dodge Pick Up:

Do: nothing. Say: “Thank you, Jesus.” A southern gal like you ought a know when to witness. You seem kinda churchy given that you won’t even say the D-word. Advertise yourself in the personals as a NSYWJCOOM, do ya? That’s cool. doodahman lists as a SWPEMF. Anyhoo….

Whenever somebody sends up a cocktail, a nod or toast in gratitude is perfectly sufficient. If they come over, warn them that you aren’t putting out or whatever lengthy euphemism you use instead. You can always say you’re waiting for someone (leaving out the “who isn’t a loser” part). Men throw drinks at women like they throw chips on a roulette table. If their number doesn’t come up, that’s how it goes-- nothing to worry about. Besides, if they’re really serious, they would follow you home or hide in the backseat of your car.

Until you get a better handle on the old brush off, it’s probably not a good idea to eat alone in places where men are known to hang out looking to liquor up chicks. That’s called “cruising solo.” Cruising solo is best left to experienced singles, not NSYWJCOOMs wet behind the ears. Eat alone at Stuckey’s or the Waffle House. If, however, you’re dining at the Meat Rack or the Velvet Cave, bring a friend-- preferably an SFEWMB.*
_____________________________
*Single Female Experienced With Male Bullshit

DEAR ABBY:

Mother is 74. She recently married a man who is a registered sex offender. She found out about his past on their second date, but swallowed his story about how he was innocent of his crime. She married him after only three weeks of dating and hid his past from our entire family.

My teenage daughter discovered his mug shot on the Internet and, of course, all hell has broken loose as a result. Our family is torn apart. We (my brother, sister-in-law, grown children, nieces) had told my mother we didn't want him around our children, but we still wanted her in our lives. She became insulted and gave us an ultimatum -- it's a package deal with her and him, or she'd have no contact with us at all.

After three months of silence, she is now trying to contact us to tell us we have no right to judge him and she's trying on convince us to accept him as the new grandfather. We are being barraged with calls and letters from her, trying to get us to see "her" side.
Are we being too judgmental, or are we right to try to keep him away from our kids? This is her fourth marriage, her fifth serious relationship. Her second husband molested her two young granddaughters many years ago, and this new man has just been too much to bear. What should we do?

-- SUSAN, SOMEWHERE IN MISSOURI

Dear Stand By Your Ban:

Dang. This woman is the Typhoid Mary of molestation. The old dude must take the whole “Show-Me State” thing way too far.

Unfortunately, granny has a soft spot in her head and heart for dangerous pervs --“That 8 year old slut got me drunk and seduced me, I tells ya! Hey baby, put on those Buster Browns, crawl over here and call me ‘Daddy’.”
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.




First off, don’t give an inch on this. Keeping child molesters away from kids was the whole point to having him register as a sex offender. Duh. They spent all that money on that system for a damned good reason. You have to child-proof the house from sex fiends just like you would from loaded guns and exposed wiring. That’s all there is to it and Baby Jane can screech until Doomsday, it don’t matter.

If you care enough to try, bring in a third party to talk some sense into both her and the fiend. Sure, there might be some tension, hard feelings, perhaps even some shouting and shoving. Or, were doodahman present, the judicious application of a baseball bat. Either way, he’ll get the picture and, with some luck, move on to easier pickin’s. Besides, MTC hears tell that there's another crazy old woman up in Wisconsin that needs a roommate.